Relationships

When we go into relationships with people we learn about others, but we also learn about ourselves, if we pay attention.  

I think I will be a much better partner after going through my relationship with Jeff.  I also learned what I want in a partner now and what I don't want. I have become wiser and will be more aware of any red flags and weaknesses that could create a problem, and be on the look out for strengths that will compliment me.

I believe people are brought into our lives to help us grow, learn and become better.  Even people who may be negatives - we have an opportunity to handle them and the situation they bring the right way, or the wrong way.  We learn with each encounter.

There are Risks with putting yourself out there getting to know people, exposing yourself to others and sharing emotionally.  

But the reward is worth it if you connect and find a forever friend, or even better ~ a partner you can lean on and share your life with.

Building a New Start-Up.......My Life

I have built several businesses from scratch over the years and to begin you need a vision, a plan, and a set of goals.  You can't get anywhere without a road map.

As I was writing my morning pages, hibernating during the winter months, my vision was becoming clearer and a plan started forming on paper.

When I went down to Tampa in April, to look around at houses with a Realtor, and spend the week with friends and family, towards the end, I didn't want to go back to N.J.  I just wanted to stay.

But I kept hearing that little voice inside saying, "it is only 4 months and then you will be back.  There is a lot to do in that time.

Which I knew in my head, but my heart wanted to stay in the sunshine and start my new life.

However, everything is a process!

Over the next four months I had a ton of work to do to get us ready to leave N.J. and move down to Tampa.  We had people to say goodbye to and details to finish up.

Then the month of August was spent acclimating ourselves, settling in to our new place and getting Zack ready for school.

When school started it was a huge culture shock for him.  He cried everyday for a month when I walked him to his classroom in the morning.  A big step was not having to do that and instead dropping him off, like the other kids, in front of the school in the car line, to walk in by himself.

I then considered the Fall to be the second wave of building a solid foundation on the home front.

You can't build up if you have a weak foundation.  So I focused on taking care of all the details to make sure Zack was ok, with a Nanny, with friends, with sports, and our surroundings were comfortable.

By the time the Christmas holidays came around I was exhausted.......but I had accomplished A Lot.

The foundation was strong ~ it was now time to Build the Second Phase of my plan ~My Career!

And that would be so much fun!

Flashbacks

This morning I went to see a new dermatologist and as I drove into his office parking lot, I realized that his building is located across from the Florida Hospital.

As I drove between both buildings and saw signs pointing in the direction of the Emergency Room, I had flashbacks of SO many ER's and hospitals that I drove my husband to, and spent a lot of time in.

From January until the beginning of April we had spent time in Overlook Medical Center, the Atlantic Rehabilitation Institute, Morristown Memorial Hospital (twice), and Valley Hospital (three times).

While I don't live with the negative memories every day, like I used to, a flashback can hit me hard and make me a little shaky.

But then I clear my head, refocus my vision, and realize that I am not living that any longer.

Those memories are from the past.....

I am NOW just walking in to see the dermatologist for something minor. 

The Other Side of Grief

When Zack and I landed in Tampa for good, I was exhausted.......from packing up our whole house by myself, by organizing all the details alone, and from moving us across the country.

But within a few days of being in our new house, I was overtaken by a sense of peace ~ as if I had been holding my breath for way too long and I could now finally breathe.

It was a Fresh Start.......a New Beginning.

The past seemed to fall away, as if I left it in my rear view mirror, on the highway, while driving down.

Our new surroundings brought me front and center into the present.

I had spent the last year caught up in looking back at the past and reliving so many memories.  And then focusing on the plan to will us into a brighter future.

Now I could just Be In The Moment and that felt really good.

God had brought me through.......and brought us home.

Death is So Final.......

One of the hardest realities for me to wrap my head around was that with Death there is NO changing the outcome.  I can't go back and redo something.  

There are No More opportunities for conversations.

When I signed Jeff over to Hospice and he was rushed to Valley Hospital to stop the ongoing seizures and give him relief for the pain, I thought by providing relief we would have time to talk and have some sort of closure.

I wasn't prepared for that to be the end.

When the Hospice nurse told me, a couple of days later, that he may not every come out of the medicated haze he was under to stop the seizures.....My world dropped out from under me.

Each time they tried to lessen his medication he started to seizure again.......and he had gone through enough pain....

As I sat at his bedside I realized everything I had done hadn't changed the outcome.

My whole body was on fire.

I was used to making things happen.  But yet I wasn't able to do anything to change this. All my efforts failed.

Having no closure was a devastating blow.  

Not being able to talk through anything anymore was something I wasn't used to and it got me so Angry!!  

Not being able to change anything about our relationship.  How was that possible.......I felt so out of sorts.

15 years together and then gone!!

I had to retrain my mind to accept that this part of my life was done  ~ I HAD no choice but to move on ~ I was given no choice. 

A Talented Doctor

When you are in the Emergency Room and being told that you have a large brain tumor and the surgeon is going to talk to you about operating to take it out, right away......there isn't time to research which doctor to choose.

This is where God stepped in.

We were supposed to get one particular surgeon ....... and instead Dr. Beyerl walked into the room.

I immediately connected to his confidence, compassion and straight to the point demeanor. In that room we worked together to convince Jeff that he couldn't leave the hospital to go to Zack's football practice.  His tumor could bleed, he required hospital supervision and he was being admitted to the hospital to be scheduled for surgery.

That night I thoroughly researched Jeff's brain surgeon and asked about him with several of the hospital staff.  I felt totally confident that we had the best doctor on our side.

Over the next 8 months our relationship was built on difficult conversations surrounding treatments, tests, results, decisions, another life and death surgery, that outcome, rehab and more crisis.

After Dr. Beyerl heard the news of Jeff's passing he called me from his car phone and told me, "I needed to hold my head up high because I did Absolutely Everything I could have for Jeff." That phone call brought me comfort.

When I was battling for Jeff's life, he was right there by our side in the trenches and I have God to thank for that.    

Help Arrives When you Need It

I feel so blessed that I had so many people helping us through our crisis.  It seemed that just when I needed something or someone, the right person stepped in!

The next day after finding out Jeff had a brain tumor and he would need immediate surgery, my world was in a tail spin.

I was dropping my son off at Vacation Bible School and driving down to the hospital ~ I shared the situation with Zack's leader, a woman I knew through one of my Bible Studies, to provide him with extra attention.

Unbeknownst to me, later that day, she went to speak to someone in the church office about providing meals for us.  I hadn't even realized the church had a meal outreach program.

But in my head, as I had been driving to the hospital that morning ~ figuring out how I could juggle everything that week, and after Jeff gets home from his surgery ~ One of my concerns what how to handle making dinners during that time?

Especially since the last thing I could think about was food!

But God heard my concerns and provided a way to not have to worry about meals ~ This relieved some pressure off of me and gave me time to concentrate on Jeff and Zack.