Reality Hits

In March, two years ago, as I drive into work a Realization Hits Me.  I can't get over how sick "my husband is" between the meds, the doctors and the tests......and lately I can't understand what he's trying to say a good portion of the time, due to the last surgery.

"I have a sick husband! How is that possible?" I shout in my car.

What is causing these falling episodes again? The dilantin? I hadn't had time to contact Jeff's anti-seizure doctor about his medicine.  Could it be another tumor?  It's too quick.  It hasn't been 2 months since his last surgery.

This whole time, over the last 14 months I hadn't really thought of my husband as sick.  He was always having surgery....cutting out the problem....going for preventative treatment, or having another surgery to take care of the latest problem.....then more preventative treatments, and on and on....I am a positive person and always looking for a solution.  

I kept focusing on the solution, not on his current medical condition.  I did that as I tended to his daily care, but my focus was always on..........what are we doing next for him to be free of this issue.

I arrive at my office and before I go upstairs to my work area, I call Dr. Beyerl's office.  He wasn't available so I spoke to his medical assistant and told her to relay a message, "Jeff had his MRI yesterday but he had a falling episode that was reminiscent of the ones he had back in December and January.  Could he please look at the MRI results today and see if he sees anything."

I felt sick all day, checking my phone to see if the doctor called.

That evening, while making dinner, Dr. Beyerl calls me back on my cell phone.  As soon as I say hello, the first thing he does is apologize, and my knees begin to buckle.

"I am really sorry to have to tell you this but the tumor is back.  I didn't think I would be telling you this so soon........

I get off the phone and turn to see Jeff standing behind me, listening to the conversation.......and our world drops out from underneath us.