Following the Dates Back in Time

From the middle of January, until the beginning of April, life had been a crisis every day.  Each day brought a new set of problems, issues to resolve, and answers to be found.

But once March hit, it seemed that everything went from bad to worse.  

Each date that I see on the calendar, has me reflecting back to the slide towards the end.

Jeff's birthday on the 15th was definitely a turning point, but the week leading up to it was filled with signs of things to come.  

I think Jeff knew in his mind that it was not going to be good. I had been trying to convince him a few days earlier to go away for Zack's spring break the beginning of April down to Florida to see family.  I had already contacted his cousin in West Palm Beach to see if we could stay with him.  The weather that winter had been the worst, and I felt that getting away, soaking up some sun, and spending quality time as a family would be good for everyone.

It had been 6 weeks since Jeff's brain surgery and his doctor said he could travel.  In my mind I figured now was the time to spend time with family and give us a break from this nightmare.  But Jeff told me to wait until after his latest MRI.  

My statement was, "you heard what the doctor said, you should get away, heal and spend time with me and Zack."  I knew he hadn't seen his grandparents during all of this and I felt that would be good for him too.  But he wanted to wait.......

That week Jeff started with the falling incidents again.  When we went to see his cancer doctor to figure out the next strategy, my brother-in-law drove him to the hospital and I met him there after work.  Dave called me on my cell as I was driving over to the hospital to let me know that when he dropped Jeff off, he seemed sort of disoriented.  

When I got to the waiting area and walked over to where Jeff was sitting I could see he was scared.

I sit down next to him, “How are you doing?” I whispered, “Dave said you seemed kind of out of it. Are you really tired?” I can see concern in his face when he answers, “I don’t know. I stumbled into the office ……...I’m concerned the tumor is back.”

I grabbed his hand, “Honey, I’m sure you’re just exhausted. You haven’t slept well in weeks. When I’m exhausted I stumble around too. It doesn’t mean that the tumor is back.” I try reassuring him, but I have my own doubts lingering in my head.

While this is going on, I am also getting pressure from Jeff's work to file for disability, and get him set up on disability retirement. But I knew in my gut that was not the right thing to do. 

He was currently using his sick days, personal days, and vacation time, which were paying him his full salary. Why should I file for disability and have his pay cut by 40% when he still had a bank of time to use up?

I knew there would come a time when I would have to make that decision, and I was counting the days, playing strategy and hoping I was playing the odds correctly. The day I sign him up for disability retirement I LOSE his life insurance money.