Drowning in Emotion

Up to the point of my husband's passing I had only experienced an unexpected loss of a cousin and I thought I knew how I would handle the grief.

But like everything in life, until you go through it yourself, you truly can not relate.

Looking back I now know I was dealing with post traumatic stress.  I had been managing my husbands health crisis and juggling my son, my work and the house for over a year. And during the last 3 months there were several major decisions, challenges or obstacles that I had to deal with and find answers for everyday. 

All I wanted to do was run.....from the stress, the responsibilities, the pressure cooker I was living in, and the nightmare.

But I couldn't run. There was no one else. And Jeff needed me!

I relied on so many people for help with my son and just to keep all the balls in the air.  I am so thankful for my business background to manage it all and treat the situation like a business.  I was able to put my personal feelings aside and push through.

When the crisis was over, everyone went back to their lives.  I was left to pick up the pieces of a world that had suddenly exploded.....

There were a ton of details to tend to.

I was slowly decompressing from all the stress and pressure.

My son was reeling from the loss of his father, his biggest fan and close friend.

And I was now coming to grips with the fact that my husband, the father of my son, and the man I had spent every day with for the last 15 years of my life was gone. A future we had planned together doesn't exist any more.

How did that happen?

It wasn't supposed to end this way!

We were supposed to find an answer!  

The reality overwhelmed me.

I started drowning...akin to a person lost at sea, treading water for hours, with no land in sight and no sign of a rescue boat.  I was trying to hold my son up so he wouldn't drown.  I kept slipping under the water.....trying to pull myself up and kick to the surface....but slipping again and again.