When you are broken, beaten up and your world is shattered, you need to wrap yourself up in a bubble of protection from the outside world. No newspapers, no surfing the internet, no twitter, no negative news.
When I was at the gym and on the treadmill during that period, I couldn't listen to the news. Instead I would put on sports center.
No negative energy was allowed into my space.
I had been beaten up emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. I was just doing what I needed to for us to get by.
In that bubble I reflected, on the people that had been in my life ~ the people that were there during the crisis and the ones who reached out afterwards. I analyzed and I categorized people, and I kept a small circle of friends and family close ~ Everyone else was placed outside of my bubble.
I also had a couple of people who had their own issues of anger over Jeff's passing that became directed at me.
That was not acceptable!
I may be able to understand the misplaced anger on some level but I do not condone it, and that interaction got shut down.
I was focusing on self-preservation. If I didn't make it what would happen to my son. I had to heal, for both of us.
I worked with a therapist, I wrote and I healed.....day by day....then month by month.....and then it was a year. A milestone.
My son had been dreading the day. He scribbled it out on the calendar and told me he wasn't talking to anyone that day. I don't know if he thought something else horrible was going to happen.
But at the end of that day.....we were still there.....and he looked up at me and said, "Today is one year since daddy died." I replied, "I know."
His sad blue eyes stared back at me and stated, "We're going to be o.k."
I almost cried, my heart broke inside for him. I hugged him saying, "Yes, we are."
I can remember being on the phone with my brother, sharing my plans about selling my house and moving down to Tampa over the summer, so I can get Zack ready for school in the fall.
Him then saying, "you can't move down to Florida without selling your house."
And I responded with, "I am moving down to Tampa this summer. I am not waiting."
In my mind, my house would sell and I would be out of here.
But after a month of not much action I started thinking, "what are my options?"
I could rent our my house? But I would be living so far away. I couldn't just have anyone in my house if something goes wrong.......
Then in the quiet of the night, as I lay in bed trying to fall off to sleep, a vision formed in my head and I could see all the pieces fitting together.
I had some friends in our community who had two little kids, and they had really outgrown their house. But they weren't in a position financially to sell it and move into something bigger right now.
My house was bigger. If they moved into my house, and then rented out their house, they could use my house as a transitional place as we all figured out the next pieces. And I just knew their house would get rented right away. It was a block from the beach and quaint.
However, I Really just wanted to sell my house and be done with it.
God had other plans.....
As I kept putting off talking to my friend, hoping an offer would come through on my house ~ the plan kept nagging at me.
"You have an asset, it can help your friends, and you can continue with plans to move away, " like a small voice this sentence kept running through my head.
When I finally shared my idea with my friend.....all the pieces seemed to come together and fall into place ~ as I saw them.
It became a Win/Win for everyone.
Sometimes the thing we most want at the time, isn't what we really need.
When I started creating my plan for a new future -- the first two items on my list included selling my house in New Jersey and finding a beautiful house to rent in Tampa.
After spending Spring Break in Tampa meeting with a Realtor and checking out houses, my son realized I was serious about moving. I could now put a For Sale sign outside in my front yard.
What I wasn't prepared for were the emotions and grief that hit me once the sign was set and selling was a reality.
While I knew it was the Right Thing To Do ~ all the memories of our life together came flooding back to me. Jeff and I had bought this house together and lived here for 10 years. It was the place we bought to build a life in. I had gotten pregnant in this house, we had Zack here, and all our plans for the future were now not going to happen.
As I sat inside the dining room, glancing around, all the bad of Jeff's illness hit me like a wave. All the memories of his seizures, his surgeries, his treatments......I'm sure there were so many feelings that I hadn't processed because I had been too busy tending to all the details after he passed away.
One thing I had learned over the last year was when a wave of grief hit me, I had to sit down, work through it, and allow myself to feel, acknowledge and then let go. Otherwise, it can come back in negative ways.
I can't stuff it any longer!! That isn't healthy for me.
Letting the past GO can be hard......but it is the Hope of the Future that kept me moving forward.
A Better Life is on the horizon.
During my husband's illness I was very aware of what my son was dealing with. I was in constant contact with his teacher, letting her know the drama that unfolded at home and my main focus of his emotional and mental well being.
It was harder to do that when I was drowning in my own emotions after Jeff passed away.
But I reached out to people who could help; his teacher, guidance counselor, and therapists.
When I felt stronger and started crafting a plan to move forward, I knew that getting Zack to accept the move would take some time and it would require a plan of its own.
Living in New Jersey was all he knew ~ the house he grew up in, all of his friends, his supportive school ~ and he adamantly told me in February, "I am Not Moving."
I have interacted with a lot of adults that have emotional baggage that they were lugging around with them and I didn't want to create any more for my son. His fathers passing was enough.
I felt that he had to buy into our move. And although he may not totally love the idea, he needed to be accepting of it.
By the end of July, when all our stuff was in the moving van and all of our good-bye's were said, he was ready for the change.
Last winter as I shivered in arctic temperatures, never really getting warm, and dealing with bundling up to go outside and shovel snow.....I was visualizing a new life in Florida.....A life without snow and cold weather.
I knew I wanted to rent a house for a year, get down there and see exactly where we wanted to live, before buying something.
I wanted to be in a golf community....with a club, a gym to work out in, and endless sidewalks to run outside all year long.
A pool was on the list in my head. I knew it would entice my son, and I saw myself sitting outside by the pool with a glass of wine, finding peace. Overlooking a pond would be an added bonus!
I envisioned a nice sized office to work in and create, while overlooking the pool and pond.....I could see it, visualize it and feel myself living there.
I wanted my bedroom a certain way, rooms for my son for sleeping and playing, and a spare bedroom for guests.
I could see a dining room, big enough to hold my whole family for holiday dinners.
I wanted a house filled with family, and friends, and Joy.
I held those visions in my mind and in my heart as Zack and I flew down to Tampa for Spring Break, to meet with a Realtor. She was going to take us around to look at houses currently available for rent. I shared with her what I was looking for so she could be on the look out and working to find the perfect house.
I believe that God listened to my desires and my hopes for the future and worked things out for me to find exactly what I was envisioning.
Just as books come across our path at the right time to bring awareness and wisdom, so can messages.
I always loved going to Cornerstone Church and listening to Pastor Fred's sermon's because there always seemed to be a message that carried me through the day.
I remember one Sunday Jeff and I walked in, after dropping Zack off at the kids church downstairs, and set up at the front of the church was a Potter's wheel. We both looked at each other quizzically, found our seats and opened up our bulletin to see what the agenda was for the service.
A traveling Pastor was listed, instead of Pastor Fred, and the sermon was entitled "The Potter's Workshop."
I hadn't heard the story from Jeremiah 16-18 before and I was mesmerized as he worked the potter's wheel, molding and shaping the clay, while sharing the message of Jeremiah, as well as other scripture verses.
He explained how God is the potter and we are the clay. How through his workmanship we are created to do good works. While spinning the wheel and molding the clay he explained the shaping process and how through the trials in our life, we are having our faith stretched and tested.
It is a process, all the stretching, pulling, shaping, and then being placed in the kiln at extremely high heat, for an extended period of time, to burn away the bubbles in the clay and make us strong!
The process may seem painful at times, but the Potter knows what he is doing. Trust him to make you into the beautiful vessel to do what you are called to do.
Many times over the past several years I have reflected on that sermon and held to the Faith that God has a plan to use my trials for good. Something good has to come from all the hard.
Many years ago I was in a drought season. I couldn't seem to find my happy. I walked into a book store looking for some inspiration.
I came across Joel Osteen's book `Everyday a Friday' and the title made me smile.
I bought it and suddenly became absorbed in the pages of positivity.
When I came across a section entitled "Bloom where you're Planted," a revelation hit me.
As much as I had been struggling with being planted in New Jersey, it was my role to bloom.
Reflecting back.....God threw me out here with Nothing.....to prove to myself that I can make it. I am resourceful enough to build something from scratch and I have the perseverance to keep going.
Before I left Tampa, I had believed it was my partner who made the business successful and that was because He had manipulated me to believe that.
In reality, it was because of my efforts that we pulled off the deals that we did.
It took me a long time to Own that.
A couple of years after arriving, and shortly after the attacks on 9-11, I felt compelled to help.....so many kids were fearful and were looking for guidance. (as were their parents)
Through a series of messages sent in my direction, I created the First Family Coaching practice in the country, and pioneered a way to help kids through tools, instead of therapy and medication.
I've had so many parents thank me for providing insight to their kids over the years.
I realized that God planted me in New Jersey for Many Reasons and unbeknownst to me I blossomed.
