I believe that trauma can attach to your body and become part of your DNA, and must be released. I have known so many people who held on to negatives from their life, or kept emotions bottled up and those negatives ended up manifesting physically.
I feel that is what happened with Jeff, when he developed melanoma. He had a lot of issues from his past that he never seemed to let go of, and when he stuffed them, those emotions found their way out in different ways.
The doctors told me that his case of melanoma wasn't passed down genetically, and he was rarely in the sun. When he was in the sun he was usually wearing a t-shirt.
When you are running like a maniac with no time to stop, no time to think of yourself, or make time for yourself, and you are constantly stuffing the stress, it will catch up to you.
I can remember sitting in the hospital at the end of Jeff's bed, a few days after checking him into Hospice and staring at him laying there, acknowledging that he will never wake up from the medicine they were giving him.......each time they tried, he would start to seize. So now he was resting.
But for me ~ My whole body was on fire.......I sat there realizing that everything I tried to do and all the efforts that we made, had not changed the outcome and NOW there was nothing I could do.
I couldn't sit there any longer, I had to leave!! My body was screaming for help. I had ignored myself for too long.
My body needed relief, immediately. I began running through my mind, where could I go to get a massage, and try to eliminate at least the top layer of pain from my body.
I left Valley Hospital and drove over to the Fountain Day Spa, walking in to the reception area, almost in tears, and asked if they had someone.....anyone who could give me a massage.
Luckily, one of their massage therapists just had a cancellation and she could take me right then.
Thank you God!
On her massage table I broke down in tears........I had been holding in so much....for so long.
When I left, my body wasn't on fire any longer.......but I was still in pain. I bought a hot healing neck pillow to put in the microwave and wrap around the area that seemed to hold on to stress like a vice.
Over the next six months I made a conscious effort to get a few massages and release the pain, stress, anger and sadness from my body. I could not allow my body to break down, my son needed me.
The other day I went for a 90 minute hot stone massage to have the hot rocks penetrate deep into my tissue. I asked the masseuse to massage my scalp and release all that I have been holding in my head.
Those massages have helped me clear my mind, provide me with the self-care I need, to do all that I have to for my son and for our future.
Are you taking care of yourself, and releasing the negatives from life, so that they don't manifest physically?
Whether the Anniversary was of a good day together or a bad day, both are hard to deal with.
Memories of both swirl through my head.
Yesterday, it was a mix of both ~ thinking back to 2 years ago and all of what we went through when Jeff was so very sick........and the end. Each hour, and event, plays like a movie in my head.
But then I reflect on the fact that he is NOT sick any longer ~ He is free and happy in heaven and wouldn't want me dwelling on when he was sick.
Then my thoughts flip over to when we met......the good times we had.....and so many memorable times that we shared.
I also think about the times Jeff has reached out to me to let me know he's here and he's always around us!
That brings me comfort.
It doesn't eliminate the sadness, but it does ease the pain.
Today, I pulled Zack out of school because both he and I needed a mental health day. In my heart I wanted to head to the beach and commune with the ocean, but after a fitful sleep and a couple of bad dreams, both of us didn't have the energy for the drive.
Its better to ease through the day rather than fight the emotions.....or the memories. Hanging out by the pool and being together is what matters. Sometimes you just have to check out!
We loved him and he is missed!
I have spent Many Winters up north cooped up inside, while my soul yearned for running outside in the sunshine, going to an outdoor Super Bowl party, sitting in the stands of the Phillies and Yankees Spring Training games, and walking around the many festivals and outdoor fairs that were going on in Florida.
I would watch my friends and family having a life ~ Living and Laughing ~ while I got by........until the Spring and Summer, when the weather would soften up and welcome me outdoors.
My son would run around in the house diving for balls and pretending he was playing football outside. That energy needed to be unleashed outside, on the grass, in a wide open field......all year long.
No more time to waste.......time is of the essence. It is time to live, experience, enjoy and blossom into who I am supposed to be.
When I think back on all the conversations I had with Jeff about places we wanted to go, things we wanted to do, or events that were 'put off until another day' I feel sad, because those some days will never happen.
Life is too short for regrets. It is too short for 'what if's' and it is too short to let fear stand in the way of what could be.
A lot has been accomplished in the last two years.....I no longer yearn for Florida because I am here.....running outside, going to the spring training games, attending that outdoor super bowl party, Zack is playing basketball outside on our driveway, football and baseball at the park, and swimming in the pool. We are living, we are laughing and we are building a new life.
I believe there are more adventures ahead. I just keep walking forward and allowing God to show me the way.
As I walk around my rental house I continue to give thanks!
Thanking God for carrying me through to the other side of all the negative. Thankful that I was able to move Zack and I back down to Florida, where I feel at home and Zack can run around outside all year. Thankful for the New Life I am building for us and the Peace I have found.
I am thankful for my old, longtime friends, and family I get to reconnect with, and new friends that are coming into my life.
There is so much to be grateful for, and by expressing gratitude my soul feels light and happy.
Even when my life was in chaos I tried every day to focus on the positives that presented themselves.
We had great friends that were helping me with Zack. We had loving people at our church providing meals to carry us through. Jeff had great doctors that were fighting for him. I was excelling at my job and there was positive reinforcement there. And Zack's teacher, and school were caring and compassionate through it all.
People would show up to provide the answers I needed, and God gave me the strength and wisdom I needed every day!
I can't claim to know God's plan or why he allows life to unfold as it does. But I do know that he is walking alongside me every day, providing what I need next on my path.
And for that I am eternally grateful!
My cousin Renee re-posted a memorial piece that she had written on Facebook a few years ago, remembering all our family members that passed away too soon, and it got me thinking.
Over the years I have reflected on the pain of loss that my family has endured and wondered why so many lights went out so young?
Is it because we have a big family? My father has 6 sisters and 1 brother, and each sibling has two or three children. That is a lot of cousins to grow up with, and we are a tight knit family, growing up in Connecticut together.
Over time, bright shining stars have left us behind.
My cousin Kurt in a car accident when he was 18 years old, my cousin Lori in a plane crash in her early 20's, my cousin Morgan in her sleep in her mid 20's, my cousin Margo in her mid 30's, my cousin Colin in his 40's, my cousin's husband in a car accident, leaving behind a young daughter. And two Uncles who went way too soon.
Is it because our family has such a strong faith ~ are we supporting and raising kind hearted people to then go on to help God in Heaven.
It is so hard to understand God's plan and why he chooses to take the people he does. So often we hear that 'God takes the good ones.' In the case of my family, I would say that statement is True.
What I do know, is that if it wasn't for my family's strong faith and role modeling their inner strength, the left behind may not have survived their losses.
Love, Faith, Family and Strength -- it is what gets us through the challenges of Life!
I think through the challenges of life, and the dynamics that play out, we tend to lose parts of ourselves.
I have discovered, with me ~ when I moved up north, I had to dig deep to rebuild all that I had lost. And that was a very difficult time for me.
Then, because I had been so focused on my career in my 20's and early 30's, I wanted to also spend time on the personal, getting married, buying a house, having a child. But a big chunk of me got lost during this period of time.
I can remember, after a year of my life got put on hold, as I juggled Jeff's illness, taking care of Zack, working, and managing the house......at this particular time my strength was faltering.
A local pastor I have become friendly with saw me sitting at Goldberg's one morning with my coffee and he came over to offer me some encouragement.
As tears slid down my face, I softly whispered, "I thought I would be making a bigger impact through my work by now, instead I don't know what I am doing."
Jack smiled and said, "God sometimes has other plans. Whether you know it or not, you are making a huge impression with all you are doing to help Jeff right now. All the guys here (the coffee clutch group) see what you are doing and have nothing but positive things to say. They hope they can take care of their spouses like you are, if they were in the same boat. So how you are handling this situation is making an impact on others."
I wiped my tears and took in what he was saying. It was an interesting viewpoint.
My girlfriend gave me a term recently I hadn't heard before. I realize that after Jeff's passing I had gone through post traumatic stress ~ but she said some people go through Post Traumatic Growth. Where the experience had been so intense it forces you to grow exponentially.
When I went through my healing phase, I realized that I had to Rediscover who I was "before" and who I wanted to Be.
"Settling" was not acceptable any longer ~ time was too short for that.
I had lunch the other day with someone who remembered a project I created back in the mid 90's to get kids adopted out of foster care. It was the first marketing program ever for that population, and it paved the way for other projects making an impact today!
When I came to Tampa I jumped in to a non-profit, to go back to what I was passionate about ~ helping kids in foster care. And in this case, those kids aging out of the system, and ending up on the streets.
I didn't want to create a non-profit again myself, instead I wanted to utilize my talents to help an organization already doing great work.
To tap into other people's talents as well, and work together to make a difference.
I believe that when you dig down to uncover what your passionate about, and put your talents to use, your purpose is discovered and amazing results can happen!
Throughout all the bad, Hope has fueled me ~ to Believe in God's promises.
I feel like he has brought me Through ~ all the struggles, all the hardships and all the heartache for a Reason.
I am on the other side of the chaos and I look around at the Present and Peer into the Future with HOPE:
~ That I am using all my experiences for the Good of Others
~ That what I am doing here on Earth is Making an Impact
~ That I am doing the very best I can for my son
~ That all the negatives of the Past will someday have a reason
~ That God will grant me a relationship with a wonderful person, a true partner ~ someone I can share my life with, and be a great role model for my son.
And each day I wake up Hopeful, that my purpose is being fulfilled!
