Hope and Dreams Manifest

In late October, after my Big Birthday, which was an uncomfortable milestone for me, I felt an old part of myself float to the surface.

The Adventurous and Ambitious piece of my personality that had gotten buried was being awakened.

And the idea of resurrecting a true Vision Board ~ created with intention, came to life.

I began to make a list of personal and professional dreams for 2017 and pulled out all of my magazines to find visuals to accompany my thoughts.

A Vision Board becomes a Pact between you and the universe showcasing what you want to achieve this year.  By tacking it up in my office, near my computer, I get to look at it every day and Manifest Those Intentions.

As I walked through Barnes and Noble this weekend, I reflected on the magazines I purchased 2 years ago to find visuals of the life I wanted to create in Tampa, after leaving New Jersey.  Visuals so I could SEE what I wanted to create.

Due to God's support, those visions have become a reality!

Now is the time to see the Next Series of Goals unfold.

Through this blog, I will share with you my Dreams and Goals, as well as the work I will do to bring them into reality and the Progress that is made.

What are your Goals and Dreams for 2017?

Have you created a Vision Board to manifest your intentions?

God can't support your dreams if he doesn't know your intentions.

A Year of Hope and Dreams

I believe that Grief is a very personal experience that each person handles differently.

In my case, the experience of walking with my husband to the end left me with post traumatic stress that I had a difficult time dealing with.  On top of the blanket of grief that overwhelmed me, I had a young son that was in a deep sense of mourning and my focus was on his well being.

One thing I did learn through the experience is that time may not heal all wounds but the distance of time from the pain allows a new life to form.  Time also allows the layers of grief to slip away.

In October, a dear friend and I were talking and she said she was happy to hear that I was coming out of the transition phase and walking into the next chapter.

That statement settled into my thoughts and I could feel a new door opening up.

Zack and I had Finally found a new rhythm to our life and I began to look at goals and dreams with a new perspective.

The goals I focused on over the last couple of years were developed from survival mode and trying to create a new life for us.

A couple of months ago I made a vision board for the New Year, an old tradition that suddenly floated to the top.  It was a vision for the future, based on where we are today, not what we were running from.  

My drive and determination was returning and feelings of Hope and Possibility were becoming stronger.  And a deep sense of gratitude settled in my heart........for having made it through to the other side.

I can also see the growth in my son.  He has settled into a new life that includes playing football, basketball and soccer, bike riding, new friends and making the honor role at school.

We made it through and are now Hopeful for the Good that God plans on bringing into our lives this year.  

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord." Isiah 66:9

Walking In Faith

When you are young,  you feel like you have the world at your feet.  You can take risks because you don't have a lot to lose.

As you get older, more responsibilities come along and people begin to count on you.  The risks become greater to step out and walk in faith.

I have learned A Lot in the last 30 years since I started my first business at 19.

Hard lessons that I think can only be learned by putting yourself out there and trying your best.

I have heard numerous times that the most successful people have lost everything a couple of times before they found the formula that worked and finally brought them success.

Following a Dream is Risky ~ if you win, you're a hero, if you lose, your considered a failure.

I have gained a unique perspective through my adult life as I have won, and lost, and then won big.  Then I had my life stolen from me and I had to start over with nothing, but my creativity and courage.  I have become a wife and mother.........and I have walked with my husband as he battled cancer and lost.

Life teaches you that with every ending, there is a beginning.

But the endings are hard, and the beginnings can be a challenge!

The one thing that keeps me going is my Belief that God is supporting my efforts.  And I listen more closely these days to his direction.

Because through it all, I have realized that he is Ultimately in Control and I am her to serve!

Shedding Emotional Baggage

Emotional baggage consists of all the hurts, all the pain, the disappointments and all the bad that we have gone through in our life up to this point.

A good friend of mine was sharing her childhood pain with me and how certain times of the year it still hits her hard.  All the negative memories, the rejection and the feeling of less than come swirling back to her.  

How many of us are walking, talking functional adults with dead holes in our soul and our heart?

We are great actors and actresses, wearing happy masks for the world, only to come home to our quiet space and lick our wounds at night.

Many times we don't even realize that we have accumulated all these hurts into a big sack that we carry around.  It gets heavier and heavier each day......until we can barely breathe, and take one more step from the sheer exhaustion of carrying that load.

I hit that point recently.  And realized how unhealthy it was for me.....and for my son.

I had to Let it all Go!

But maybe without even knowing, we cling to the emotional baggage like a blanket that we don't want to release.  We know it, it's become part of us, and it may feel scary letting it go.

Meeting yourself in that moment and making the conscious decision to acknowledge that part of your life is over.  

You aren't that person any longer!  You are a survivor who made it through and learned a lot along the way.

Look at who you are today and love that person.  It's time to be Free.

Searching For Inspiration

There are days then I find myself searching for inspiration!  I want signs to come across my path reaffirming that I am not walking this journey alone.

When I was on vacation 2 months ago ~ away from my daily life ~ several messages came to me, bringing peace and the assurance that I was being supported from above.

I even had a weird encounter with a Turkey Vulture, flying up off the side of the road and slamming into my car windshield as it tried to fly in front of me.

I had been on my way to meet a friend for lunch and I was so shaken.  Happy I didn't kill it and wondering what that was all about.

Later I pulled up the spiritual meaning for Turkey Vulture and I learned a lot.  What I found is that it is a symbol of soulful cleansing, reaching a higher spiritual place, overcoming obstacles that we may encounter when trying to fly, but then soaring like an eagle when we get off the ground....cleansing the world bit by bit, day by day, offering ourselves in service.

Two months later I pulled the meaning back up again as I saw a whole flock of Turkey Vultures on a walk I took yesterday to clear my head.  In the past I may have seen a few hovering over a dead animal on the side of the road, but yesterday there must have been 20 - 30 of them all grouped together near a pond I walked past.

As I reflected on where my thoughts have been lately -- I acknowledged that I have been trying to shed the emotional baggage of my  past.  I felt like I have been carrying around so much extra weight, a huge bag full of burdens, It was wearing me down to where I almost didn't recognize myself anymore.

So I guess I have been working on cleansing my soul.

I have also been overcoming one obstacle after another to achieve my goals, and that has been very tiring!

I pray that my next phase has me taking flight and soaring like an eagle........when I finally get off the ground.

Living in a world that can be so challenging, by searching for inspiration, sometimes it can be found in nature.

Go out and take a walk and see what comes across your path. 

The Backstory

We all have a backstory ~ it makes us who we are. All the good, all the bad........the relationships we've had, our family and our friends, have all played a part in who we are today.

Some people carry their hurt.....and their heart, on their sleeve.  Other people have accumulated so much anger for all the disappointments in their life, it seems to permeate off them.

And there are others, you may never know by looking at them, or talking to them, all the sorrow they've experienced and the pain they have gone through.

Before I moved, I went to visit with Pastor Fred, and he said that there will come a time when people will look at Zack and I and never have any idea of what we've gone through.  That we will just be a mother and a son, and not a widow and a son who lost his father.

At the time I found that hard to believe.

But today, as I sit out at the football fields, among the parents, and I interact with the coaches while watching Zack play......we are at the point.

These people don't know our back story.  They probably think that I'm divorced and Zack's father is not an involved dad.

Which makes me sad. Because he would have given ANYTHING to be here, cheering on his son as he plays in his first big game, and then talking it through afterwards. He was always supporting his efforts.

I watch Zack out on the field, listening to the coaches, taking in their compliments and praise, and I know how much he has needed that interaction and that outlet.

Over the last year, I have handed out snippets of information on our back story because there are always questions when people first get to know you. Especially people that are interacting with us on a regular basis. Right up front I try to nip them in the bud with 'my husband being deceased,' so they aren't wondering how come Zack's father isn't around.

When Zack played basketball in the fall and winter last year, and soccer in the spring, I didn't share our story with those coaches.  He wasn't that committed.

But these football coaches should know......as I see them having an impact on my son.

I guess it's time for another conversation.

Change is Constant

There is one constant in life and that is Change.  Just when we think we have something figured out, it shifts and changes.

Life is always evolving and we have to evolve with it, or get swept away with the tide.

There are times when I feel like all I'm doing is trying to balance on a surf board as wave after wave of change hits me.  It can be a exhausting, constantly trying to maintain balance on those waves.

My latest wave is what to do with Zack once school starts, to get picked up after school, so he is taken care of and I can work?

When we first moved to Tampa, I had signed him up for an after school program at our club.  But it wasn't right for him at the time.  He was coping with the move, dealing with the tough transition of a new school and grappling with the culture shock of the kids he wasn't used to.

So I decided on having a sitter pick him up every day from school and bring him home to chill.

Sitter after sitter moved through our lives over the last year.  Each one leaving for different reasons, with a couple of them not being the right fit, and I let them go.

The last sitter quit the day before we left on vacation.

This was extremely frustrating, because if I knew I wouldn't have  her for the rest of the summer, I would have signed Zack up for a couple of camps before school started.

Now I had to regroup after arriving home, and take him with me everywhere while I got things done.  I even brought him to one of my meetings because I had no one to watch him.

I needed a new crop of sitters to call one!  One high school girl we liked a lot just graduated and went off to college, and another high school girl went overseas for a month during summer. I was out of sitters.

After a week, luckily I found a high school boy to hang out with Zack for the last 3 weeks of summer.

But what happens when school starts?

I had reached out to so many people to find a part time sitter for school, preferably a college student who had classes in the morning, could pick up Zack from school and watch him until early evening.

But no one ever materialized.  And I was trying to figure out the time complication of Zack having to be a football practice by 5:45pm 4 nights a week until September and then 3 nights a week until November.

Balance ~ Balance ~ Balance ~ What is the answer?

I kept playing out scenarios in my head, and asking for an answer.

Then it hit me.  Zack was Now ready for an After School program.  

A place he can engage with other kids, make some new friends, and a get help with his homework.  Then I can pick him up before football practice, take him there, and limit any late day meetings until after football season.

It has been a year since we moved.  He is happy to be living in Florida now, and he is very happy to be playing football.  That is a positive change.

Now I just have to find the Right Program for him and pray that it is the right decision for him!