Walking In Faith

When you are young,  you feel like you have the world at your feet.  You can take risks because you don't have a lot to lose.

As you get older, more responsibilities come along and people begin to count on you.  The risks become greater to step out and walk in faith.

I have learned A Lot in the last 30 years since I started my first business at 19.

Hard lessons that I think can only be learned by putting yourself out there and trying your best.

I have heard numerous times that the most successful people have lost everything a couple of times before they found the formula that worked and finally brought them success.

Following a Dream is Risky ~ if you win, you're a hero, if you lose, your considered a failure.

I have gained a unique perspective through my adult life as I have won, and lost, and then won big.  Then I had my life stolen from me and I had to start over with nothing, but my creativity and courage.  I have become a wife and mother.........and I have walked with my husband as he battled cancer and lost.

Life teaches you that with every ending, there is a beginning.

But the endings are hard, and the beginnings can be a challenge!

The one thing that keeps me going is my Belief that God is supporting my efforts.  And I listen more closely these days to his direction.

Because through it all, I have realized that he is Ultimately in Control and I am her to serve!

Shedding Emotional Baggage

Emotional baggage consists of all the hurts, all the pain, the disappointments and all the bad that we have gone through in our life up to this point.

A good friend of mine was sharing her childhood pain with me and how certain times of the year it still hits her hard.  All the negative memories, the rejection and the feeling of less than come swirling back to her.  

How many of us are walking, talking functional adults with dead holes in our soul and our heart?

We are great actors and actresses, wearing happy masks for the world, only to come home to our quiet space and lick our wounds at night.

Many times we don't even realize that we have accumulated all these hurts into a big sack that we carry around.  It gets heavier and heavier each day......until we can barely breathe, and take one more step from the sheer exhaustion of carrying that load.

I hit that point recently.  And realized how unhealthy it was for me.....and for my son.

I had to Let it all Go!

But maybe without even knowing, we cling to the emotional baggage like a blanket that we don't want to release.  We know it, it's become part of us, and it may feel scary letting it go.

Meeting yourself in that moment and making the conscious decision to acknowledge that part of your life is over.  

You aren't that person any longer!  You are a survivor who made it through and learned a lot along the way.

Look at who you are today and love that person.  It's time to be Free.

Searching For Inspiration

There are days then I find myself searching for inspiration!  I want signs to come across my path reaffirming that I am not walking this journey alone.

When I was on vacation 2 months ago ~ away from my daily life ~ several messages came to me, bringing peace and the assurance that I was being supported from above.

I even had a weird encounter with a Turkey Vulture, flying up off the side of the road and slamming into my car windshield as it tried to fly in front of me.

I had been on my way to meet a friend for lunch and I was so shaken.  Happy I didn't kill it and wondering what that was all about.

Later I pulled up the spiritual meaning for Turkey Vulture and I learned a lot.  What I found is that it is a symbol of soulful cleansing, reaching a higher spiritual place, overcoming obstacles that we may encounter when trying to fly, but then soaring like an eagle when we get off the ground....cleansing the world bit by bit, day by day, offering ourselves in service.

Two months later I pulled the meaning back up again as I saw a whole flock of Turkey Vultures on a walk I took yesterday to clear my head.  In the past I may have seen a few hovering over a dead animal on the side of the road, but yesterday there must have been 20 - 30 of them all grouped together near a pond I walked past.

As I reflected on where my thoughts have been lately -- I acknowledged that I have been trying to shed the emotional baggage of my  past.  I felt like I have been carrying around so much extra weight, a huge bag full of burdens, It was wearing me down to where I almost didn't recognize myself anymore.

So I guess I have been working on cleansing my soul.

I have also been overcoming one obstacle after another to achieve my goals, and that has been very tiring!

I pray that my next phase has me taking flight and soaring like an eagle........when I finally get off the ground.

Living in a world that can be so challenging, by searching for inspiration, sometimes it can be found in nature.

Go out and take a walk and see what comes across your path. 

The Backstory

We all have a backstory ~ it makes us who we are. All the good, all the bad........the relationships we've had, our family and our friends, have all played a part in who we are today.

Some people carry their hurt.....and their heart, on their sleeve.  Other people have accumulated so much anger for all the disappointments in their life, it seems to permeate off them.

And there are others, you may never know by looking at them, or talking to them, all the sorrow they've experienced and the pain they have gone through.

Before I moved, I went to visit with Pastor Fred, and he said that there will come a time when people will look at Zack and I and never have any idea of what we've gone through.  That we will just be a mother and a son, and not a widow and a son who lost his father.

At the time I found that hard to believe.

But today, as I sit out at the football fields, among the parents, and I interact with the coaches while watching Zack play......we are at the point.

These people don't know our back story.  They probably think that I'm divorced and Zack's father is not an involved dad.

Which makes me sad. Because he would have given ANYTHING to be here, cheering on his son as he plays in his first big game, and then talking it through afterwards. He was always supporting his efforts.

I watch Zack out on the field, listening to the coaches, taking in their compliments and praise, and I know how much he has needed that interaction and that outlet.

Over the last year, I have handed out snippets of information on our back story because there are always questions when people first get to know you. Especially people that are interacting with us on a regular basis. Right up front I try to nip them in the bud with 'my husband being deceased,' so they aren't wondering how come Zack's father isn't around.

When Zack played basketball in the fall and winter last year, and soccer in the spring, I didn't share our story with those coaches.  He wasn't that committed.

But these football coaches should know......as I see them having an impact on my son.

I guess it's time for another conversation.

Change is Constant

There is one constant in life and that is Change.  Just when we think we have something figured out, it shifts and changes.

Life is always evolving and we have to evolve with it, or get swept away with the tide.

There are times when I feel like all I'm doing is trying to balance on a surf board as wave after wave of change hits me.  It can be a exhausting, constantly trying to maintain balance on those waves.

My latest wave is what to do with Zack once school starts, to get picked up after school, so he is taken care of and I can work?

When we first moved to Tampa, I had signed him up for an after school program at our club.  But it wasn't right for him at the time.  He was coping with the move, dealing with the tough transition of a new school and grappling with the culture shock of the kids he wasn't used to.

So I decided on having a sitter pick him up every day from school and bring him home to chill.

Sitter after sitter moved through our lives over the last year.  Each one leaving for different reasons, with a couple of them not being the right fit, and I let them go.

The last sitter quit the day before we left on vacation.

This was extremely frustrating, because if I knew I wouldn't have  her for the rest of the summer, I would have signed Zack up for a couple of camps before school started.

Now I had to regroup after arriving home, and take him with me everywhere while I got things done.  I even brought him to one of my meetings because I had no one to watch him.

I needed a new crop of sitters to call one!  One high school girl we liked a lot just graduated and went off to college, and another high school girl went overseas for a month during summer. I was out of sitters.

After a week, luckily I found a high school boy to hang out with Zack for the last 3 weeks of summer.

But what happens when school starts?

I had reached out to so many people to find a part time sitter for school, preferably a college student who had classes in the morning, could pick up Zack from school and watch him until early evening.

But no one ever materialized.  And I was trying to figure out the time complication of Zack having to be a football practice by 5:45pm 4 nights a week until September and then 3 nights a week until November.

Balance ~ Balance ~ Balance ~ What is the answer?

I kept playing out scenarios in my head, and asking for an answer.

Then it hit me.  Zack was Now ready for an After School program.  

A place he can engage with other kids, make some new friends, and a get help with his homework.  Then I can pick him up before football practice, take him there, and limit any late day meetings until after football season.

It has been a year since we moved.  He is happy to be living in Florida now, and he is very happy to be playing football.  That is a positive change.

Now I just have to find the Right Program for him and pray that it is the right decision for him! 

Feeling the Void with Football

I am a Big football fan and my nickname for Jeff was "Sport Boy."

So when we had Zack ~ football was in his blood.  Plus, he was brainwashed at an early age when Jeff hung a University of Miami mobile over his crib, and a signed Limited Edition Framed Lithograph of Dan Marino over his changing table.

I also watched football games every Sunday with the NFL Sunday Ticket, while Zack ran around with a small football, in the living room pretending he was one of the players on tv.

But when Zack was able to play tackle football in 1st grade I was hesitant.  Growing up, Pop Warner tackle football in my town didn't start until 4th grade, and I had that age in my mind.  1st grade seemed too young to me.

I would have preferred to have waited a couple of years to have Zack play organized football, but Jeff wanted to present the option to Zack and see what he wanted.  He was gung ho from the beginning, even after we thoroughly explained the time commitment.

As practice began Zack was so excited to be out there practicing and playing with the other boys, and he had such an aptitude for the game that they made him backup quarterback in 1st grade.

Looking back, even though that was a very tough time for me, juggling Zack's practices, games and Jeff's sickness ~ the time that they were able to spend, sharing that football connection was priceless.

Jeff made it to every practice and every game, and was so proud to see Zack play.

For the last 2 years Zack and I took a break from football.  Playing in 2nd grade, months after Jeff passed away was too hard, and last year before 3rd grade started, we moved down to Tampa.

Zack has been hounding me to play this year and I felt it was time.

As I sit out at a 2.5 hour practice, watching him work on conditioning, running, throwing and handing off, tears fill my eyes.

Zack is in his Glory!  After the first practice, his coaches saw the same qualities in him as his previous coach and started him at quarterback.  This time he will be the starter!!

He is ecstatic, and Jeff is probably grinning from ear to ear as he watches from above.

Meanwhile, I feel the void of doing this alone and juggling this huge commitment.  It wasn't supposed to be this way.

Messages On Vacation (Part 1)

I have always had interesting things happen to me when I step away from the daily grind, and get out of town.  This latest vacation was no different.

The time away provided an opportunity to open myself up to messages and allow a different perspective on life to seep through.

Zack and I went up north, back to visit family and friends. And it felt like we stepped back into our old lives, after being away for a year.

It felt a little surreal as we landed in Newark, rented a car and drove over to a friends house to stay overnight.  The next day we drove from New Jersey to Connecticut and it ignited flashbacks to when I first met Jeff and I was driving back and forth to NJ, as I stayed at my Aunt and Uncle's house over the summer.

Arriving at their house, to stay over the 4th of July weekend was like coming home.  I had spent so much time with them, at their house, over the years, even during my childhood.

The flashbacks came again, of all the summer weekends Jeff and I had shared around their pool, with family, grilling sausage and spending time.

My Aunt, Uncle, and I were reminiscing about Jeff, and how he had this joke with my Uncle Larry that he would say each time we sat down to eat lunch by the pool.

On Sunday, the day before the 4th, my two cousins arrived with their kids and significant others, to spend the day.

As we get ready for dinner, Gina and I are setting the table outside on the porch, overlooking the pool.  She hands me the place settings and I go around the table putting each one at a chair.

I counted the people......and counted the place settings....twice, and it seemed like it was off.  So I counted it again.

I counted 9 place settings and there were 10 people.  So I asked Gina to bring me out one more.

"Ok," she responds, and goes back inside to grab another complete set.

I count again to make sure I was right, and then I put down the 10th place setting.

We then get busy, gathering everyone to the table, herding the kids out of the pool, getting them situated, loading the table with food, and handing out the drinks.

We all grab a chair, sit down, and begin getting the kids plates ready as Uncle Larry lays down the big platter of sausage and chicken in the middle of the table.

Just as he sits down, my cousin Cindy says, "who is sitting here?"

We all look over at the empty chair between her and Gina's husband.  

It was set for one more guest, #11 ~ right across from Uncle Larry.

Everyone looked at each other, and I felt him immediately as I stared at the empty chair.

"I guess Jeff wanted us to know that he was here with us." I softly announced.