I look at life as chapters that we move through.....our youth.....the high school years.....going away to college, and venturing out on our own. Then there are chapters that define our career, a time when we find our spouse and get married, and a time when we start our families by having kids. These periods in our life encompass our twenties, our thirties and our forties.
In my case I focused on my career and pushed out getting married until I was in my late 30's. I married later than most of my friends and cousins, and then had my son when I was forty.
By the middle of my forties I was ready to move on to another chapter in my life. Zack went off to school full time and I was ready to refocus on my career.
Instead, God had a different plan.....to spend the next 15 months managing my husband's illness.
Many times in life we get thrown into a role that we never thought we would have to play........and suddenly our life is totally out of our control..........if it ever was in our control at all?
That 15 months was a chapter in itself and will always define my life as "before Jeff got sick" and "after he passed away."
And then, the next 4 years are what I consider 'living in the gap.'
It is a period of time filled with grief, transition and rebuilding.
It has me reflecting on how NFL teams have lost great players or their plans don't work any longer and they are in a rebuilding phase. There is a sense of operating in the unknown. They hope they are building a great team and a winning season will emerge, but there is that huge unknown if it will all come together.
I followed my instincts, while operating in the dark, and slowly working my way out of a heavy blanket of grief, while guiding Zack to a better place emotionally and mentally.
I tried focusing on getting us to the other side of this chapter, praying that I would find happiness, that Zack would be whole, and the vehicle I built to secure our future would take off.
Along the way, God had so many spiritual lessons to teach me, as if I hadn't experienced enough!
But what I realized is that this period was when he threw me onto the potter's wheel as a lump of clay and began shaping and molding me for his greater purpose............and then he threw me into the fire for the last several months to make me into the vessel he desires.
Living in the Gap is a chapter of its own.
At 25, I was President and Founder of a company that was the largest buyer of home furnishings accessories in the country. I had Sears, Rhodes Furniture, and Farmers Furniture chains as several of my clients.
I felt like I had hit a pinnacle in my career.
Ever since college I had been so focused and driven to make something of myself. But when I turned 25, I looked around at my life, and while I had achieved some level or success, it didn't feel like what I thought it would. I suddenly had a desire to "give back," although I wasn't sure what that would look like.
A lot of people I knew were volunteering on non-profit boards, but that didn't feel right to me. I wanted to really get involved.
So I started doing some research and came up with the Guardian ad Litem program. I decided to go through the training and become a volunteer.
What I soon discovered is that I had the power to truly make a difference in a child's life. Judges listened to what I had to say because I did my homework and my focus was to help that child. I could get services put in place and move that child through the system faster.
It sparked a passion inside of me to find other ways to help kids within the foster care system.
I soon saw so many needs that were going unmet and I got on the Guardian ad Litem Guild as a Board member to loosen their purse strings and use money to recruit and retain more guardian volunteer.
Then after a year I decided to create my own non-profit to get kids adopted out of the foster care system and help support some basic needs that were going unmet. Up to that point there were no marketing programs letting people in the community know about these children languishing in foster care.
I have always found the greatest satisfaction from empowering others with what they needed, providing tools or resources. And also helping kids in particular, find their gifts or talents, and helping them unleash their desire.
Ephesians 2:10 ~ "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do".
In our lives we have days that have a certain significance ~ Good or Bad, that we will always remember.
Some of the Best days may have been when you met your husband or wife for the first time, the day your children were born, maybe when you graduated from college, or reached a milestone in your career that you had been working towards. Each one of those days may have changed everything in your life.
The other morning I woke up remembering one of those days. I was 24 years old and I had been working with a serial entrepreneur since college. His latest company created Marketing Videos for accessory manufacturers in the home furnishing industry.
Recently we had taken on furniture manufacturers as clients such as Bassett and Schweiger Furniture. One day the V.P. of Bassett was telling us about a problem he had been having getting accessories shipped to his furniture galleries. The manufacturers wanted large minimum orders before they would ship their lamps, pictures or mirrors, which left holes in their room setups in the store, as customers bought the items to take home.
The VP asked if we could do anything, since we knew most of the owners of these companies.
We then talked to Schweiger Furniture and found they were having the same problem.
What if we could create a new company to solve this problem, broker a deal with these accessory manufacturers to create a "just in time" delivery system for these gallery programs and their particular items, and we would become the middle man to process the orders?
I jumped at the change to start a new company and run it!
The first company that I created was while I was in college ~ it was a balloon bouquet delivery business at USF and around the city of Tampa. This one could be even bigger.
I knew I could process all the orders on a Quattro spreadsheet in my office and work directly with the manufacturers, who I knew already.
After a period of time of managing orders for Bassett and Schweiger, and everything was running smoothly, I wanted more business.
So I went to my partner and asked him to find me more clients.
He started calling around and heard that Sears was opening up free standing furniture stores called Homelife stores, so he cold called the buyer at Sears, and soon we had a meeting set up at Sears Tower in Chicago in the middle of winter.
We brought information with us showing them what we had been doing for the 2 furniture manufacturers and within an hour we closed a deal.
In that meeting we closed a deal that would give us ALL the orders for all their 736 Sears stores nationwide, as well as the 12 new Homelife stores they would be opening up over the next year.
We said we could do it, but it would take us a little bit to get our system set up to handle their business.
We left Sears Tower trying to figure out how to handle ALL that business.
Within a month, their first order arrived in the mail in buckets and buckets. I had to figure out how to process them all into a computer system and send them out to the manufacturers.
It was a $1.2 million dollar order!
In one day we closed a Multi-Million Dollar deal and Everything Changed.
As I have been reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren, I am getting a better understanding of the purpose behind all the challenges and tests that I have endured throughout my life.
I most recently read the chapter on "It Takes Time." It talks about how "Great souls are grown through struggles and storms and seasons of suffering. Be patient with the process. James advised, Don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you can mature and be well developed."
Waiting periods for me seem to be another test. Learning to Wait on the Lord, while he works behind the scenes in my life, as well as within me.
In this latest waiting period that God has me in, he is pulling me towards my Bible, to read through verses and parables that are running through my head as I wake up in the morning. As if he is sending me messages.
Instead of rushing to my computer to get work done, he is drawing me into his Word.
John 16:10 ~ Whoever can be trusted with very little can be trusted with much.
Matthew 25:14 - 30 ~ Parable of the Three Servants: The servant who received 5 bags of silver began to invest the money and earned 5 more. To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance.
In searching for this verse and Bible parable, I realized how much I knew of the Bible in parts but not the whole. I know about the characters and parts of their stories, but not everything about them.
The Bible had always seemed too overwhelming to read as a book.
Acts 20:32 ~ God's Gracious Word can make you into what he wants you to be and give you everything you could possibly need.
As God calls me to his Word, I am starting at the beginning and taking it a few pages at a time, absorbing all that he wants me to know.
For some people stories and characters come to them and seem to become part of their life. And for certain people, those characters become their destiny and their purpose.
J.K. Rowling was given Harry Potter and his story in 1990. It took her 5 years from receiving the idea for the world of Harry Potter and fully sketching out the outline for the 7 books. It then took her another 2 years to finish the first book and get it published. Over the next 10 years she would share the whole story in the series.
George Lucas was given the idea for the Star Wars stories and launched the first movie in 1977. That story is still being unfolded today, 40 years later.
20 years ago three characters were born in my imagination as part of a journal box and story for kids to get their ideas down on paper. But those 3 characters really seemed to be part of a larger group of friends, so four more characters joined what would be known to me as Daisy Button and her friends.
I could see them so clearly in my mind and the real life adventures that they would go on. Over the years their story has clung to my heart and seemed to always be there. As I worked with kids in my coaching practice, the Daisy Button characters seemed to resonate with the kids I was working with. They wanted to make a difference in the world, they had a deep desire to help others and they wanted real life tools to make things happen.
I sketched out the first 3 books in the series many years ago, and self published the first in the DB Adventures series in 2011. It was a story about Social Enterprise, showing kids how they can create win/win situations. A way to make money and help others in their community. When it was done, it seemed like it should have a curriculum to accompany it, one developed online with games and engaging activities. So I developed that as well, and sold it into 5 schools in New Jersey.
I thought that would be the time that Daisy Button and her friends would finally make their way into the hands of kids, but suddenly the doors stopped opening.
With everything that God creates, he has his own timing for when stories should be shared.
God had other plans first. He needed me to go through some very painful and personal experiences before Daisy could float back into my life. A few years later, I knew it was time. But my life experiences changed my perspective on the path I wanted to take with Daisy and her friends.
This time I wanted to get the characters and tools directly in the hands of kids, and empower them to go out and make a difference, as I had done in my coaching practice. Only now they could utilize the technology that they love and pull their friends together to create their own real life adventures.
Books seem to come across my path just when I need them. It doesn't matter that my sister gave me "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren years ago.
I think I had started it and then put it aside. I was probably not ready at the time to fully understand its messages.
I had been wanting a Bible Study type book, to dive into after the first of the year, and came across this book, tucked away on my book shelf, waiting for the right time. I know I would get to it one day.
A 40-day Journey into the deeper meaning of our Purpose, which God has revealed to us within the passages of the Bible.
I was looking for assurances that I was on the Right Path. That I was doing what God intended me to do.
Throughout all of life's challenges, I believed that God has a Plan ~ I was hoping to understand it better by delving into this book.
When I reflect back on my life there are moments with people that are etched in my memory. There are dates in time that are unforgettable and they explain my journey of life.
This last weekend several experiences with family had me reflecting on the next chapter of my life, and felt like it was one of those memorable weekends.
My Aunt and Uncle, who are like my 2nd parents, visited my new place in Tampa and it felt like a passage from one life that we shared together in Connecticut/NJ, to a new life with new experiences in Florida.
Then my sister came down with her son, and we celebrated his 2nd birthday. A new tradition that started last year when we had his 1st birthday party at my house.
My brother then called to share his professional and personal news, and wedding plans being to unfold. Another family celebration to look forward to this year.
But even more memorable for me was a feeling that I was about to walk through a New Doorway to the next phase of my life.
I felt like I had gotten my Mojo back and a new and improved Tracey has emerged.
The last few years have been a work in progress ~ as I guess was part of God's plan. And Zack and I had to process, heal and grow into a new life.
On Super Bowl Sunday, as has been my tradition for many, many years, I was watching it with Zack. This year my Aunt and Uncle watched it with us, and I shared how Jeff used to always run a Super Bowl pool at work and the Meadowlands, and have his paper with all the boxes with him to see who won at the end of each quarter.
A few minutes later I was posting pictures from the weekend on Facebook and Jeff's name popped up, as if he was being tagged in the photos!
I showed my Aunt, who was sitting next to me on the couch. Jeff just wanted to reach out to me and let us know that he was here watching the Super Bowl with us......with my Aunt and Uncle who he loved so much, and while watching one of his favorite games.
This time it felt good seeing his name pop up on my Facebook post.
The pain has subsided and we are moving on, as he would want us to.
In late October, after my Big Birthday, which was an uncomfortable milestone for me, I felt an old part of myself float to the surface.
The Adventurous and Ambitious piece of my personality that had gotten buried was being awakened.
And the idea of resurrecting a true Vision Board ~ created with intention, came to life.
I began to make a list of personal and professional dreams for 2017 and pulled out all of my magazines to find visuals to accompany my thoughts.
A Vision Board becomes a Pact between you and the universe showcasing what you want to achieve this year. By tacking it up in my office, near my computer, I get to look at it every day and Manifest Those Intentions.
As I walked through Barnes and Noble this weekend, I reflected on the magazines I purchased 2 years ago to find visuals of the life I wanted to create in Tampa, after leaving New Jersey. Visuals so I could SEE what I wanted to create.
Due to God's support, those visions have become a reality!
Now is the time to see the Next Series of Goals unfold.
Through this blog, I will share with you my Dreams and Goals, as well as the work I will do to bring them into reality and the Progress that is made.
What are your Goals and Dreams for 2017?
Have you created a Vision Board to manifest your intentions?
God can't support your dreams if he doesn't know your intentions.
I believe that Grief is a very personal experience that each person handles differently.
In my case, the experience of walking with my husband to the end left me with post traumatic stress that I had a difficult time dealing with. On top of the blanket of grief that overwhelmed me, I had a young son that was in a deep sense of mourning and my focus was on his well being.
One thing I did learn through the experience is that time may not heal all wounds but the distance of time from the pain allows a new life to form. Time also allows the layers of grief to slip away.
In October, a dear friend and I were talking and she said she was happy to hear that I was coming out of the transition phase and walking into the next chapter.
That statement settled into my thoughts and I could feel a new door opening up.
Zack and I had Finally found a new rhythm to our life and I began to look at goals and dreams with a new perspective.
The goals I focused on over the last couple of years were developed from survival mode and trying to create a new life for us.
A couple of months ago I made a vision board for the New Year, an old tradition that suddenly floated to the top. It was a vision for the future, based on where we are today, not what we were running from.
My drive and determination was returning and feelings of Hope and Possibility were becoming stronger. And a deep sense of gratitude settled in my heart........for having made it through to the other side.
I can also see the growth in my son. He has settled into a new life that includes playing football, basketball and soccer, bike riding, new friends and making the honor role at school.
We made it through and are now Hopeful for the Good that God plans on bringing into our lives this year.
"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord." Isiah 66:9
When you are young, you feel like you have the world at your feet. You can take risks because you don't have a lot to lose.
As you get older, more responsibilities come along and people begin to count on you. The risks become greater to step out and walk in faith.
I have learned A Lot in the last 30 years since I started my first business at 19.
Hard lessons that I think can only be learned by putting yourself out there and trying your best.
I have heard numerous times that the most successful people have lost everything a couple of times before they found the formula that worked and finally brought them success.
Following a Dream is Risky ~ if you win, you're a hero, if you lose, your considered a failure.
I have gained a unique perspective through my adult life as I have won, and lost, and then won big. Then I had my life stolen from me and I had to start over with nothing, but my creativity and courage. I have become a wife and mother.........and I have walked with my husband as he battled cancer and lost.
Life teaches you that with every ending, there is a beginning.
But the endings are hard, and the beginnings can be a challenge!
The one thing that keeps me going is my Belief that God is supporting my efforts. And I listen more closely these days to his direction.
Because through it all, I have realized that he is Ultimately in Control and I am her to serve!
Emotional baggage consists of all the hurts, all the pain, the disappointments and all the bad that we have gone through in our life up to this point.
A good friend of mine was sharing her childhood pain with me and how certain times of the year it still hits her hard. All the negative memories, the rejection and the feeling of less than come swirling back to her.
How many of us are walking, talking functional adults with dead holes in our soul and our heart?
We are great actors and actresses, wearing happy masks for the world, only to come home to our quiet space and lick our wounds at night.
Many times we don't even realize that we have accumulated all these hurts into a big sack that we carry around. It gets heavier and heavier each day......until we can barely breathe, and take one more step from the sheer exhaustion of carrying that load.
I hit that point recently. And realized how unhealthy it was for me.....and for my son.
I had to Let it all Go!
But maybe without even knowing, we cling to the emotional baggage like a blanket that we don't want to release. We know it, it's become part of us, and it may feel scary letting it go.
Meeting yourself in that moment and making the conscious decision to acknowledge that part of your life is over.
You aren't that person any longer! You are a survivor who made it through and learned a lot along the way.
Look at who you are today and love that person. It's time to be Free.
There are days then I find myself searching for inspiration! I want signs to come across my path reaffirming that I am not walking this journey alone.
When I was on vacation 2 months ago ~ away from my daily life ~ several messages came to me, bringing peace and the assurance that I was being supported from above.
I even had a weird encounter with a Turkey Vulture, flying up off the side of the road and slamming into my car windshield as it tried to fly in front of me.
I had been on my way to meet a friend for lunch and I was so shaken. Happy I didn't kill it and wondering what that was all about.
Later I pulled up the spiritual meaning for Turkey Vulture and I learned a lot. What I found is that it is a symbol of soulful cleansing, reaching a higher spiritual place, overcoming obstacles that we may encounter when trying to fly, but then soaring like an eagle when we get off the ground....cleansing the world bit by bit, day by day, offering ourselves in service.
Two months later I pulled the meaning back up again as I saw a whole flock of Turkey Vultures on a walk I took yesterday to clear my head. In the past I may have seen a few hovering over a dead animal on the side of the road, but yesterday there must have been 20 - 30 of them all grouped together near a pond I walked past.
As I reflected on where my thoughts have been lately -- I acknowledged that I have been trying to shed the emotional baggage of my past. I felt like I have been carrying around so much extra weight, a huge bag full of burdens, It was wearing me down to where I almost didn't recognize myself anymore.
So I guess I have been working on cleansing my soul.
I have also been overcoming one obstacle after another to achieve my goals, and that has been very tiring!
I pray that my next phase has me taking flight and soaring like an eagle........when I finally get off the ground.
Living in a world that can be so challenging, by searching for inspiration, sometimes it can be found in nature.
Go out and take a walk and see what comes across your path.
We all have a backstory ~ it makes us who we are. All the good, all the bad........the relationships we've had, our family and our friends, have all played a part in who we are today.
Some people carry their hurt.....and their heart, on their sleeve. Other people have accumulated so much anger for all the disappointments in their life, it seems to permeate off them.
And there are others, you may never know by looking at them, or talking to them, all the sorrow they've experienced and the pain they have gone through.
Before I moved, I went to visit with Pastor Fred, and he said that there will come a time when people will look at Zack and I and never have any idea of what we've gone through. That we will just be a mother and a son, and not a widow and a son who lost his father.
At the time I found that hard to believe.
But today, as I sit out at the football fields, among the parents, and I interact with the coaches while watching Zack play......we are at the point.
These people don't know our back story. They probably think that I'm divorced and Zack's father is not an involved dad.
Which makes me sad. Because he would have given ANYTHING to be here, cheering on his son as he plays in his first big game, and then talking it through afterwards. He was always supporting his efforts.
I watch Zack out on the field, listening to the coaches, taking in their compliments and praise, and I know how much he has needed that interaction and that outlet.
Over the last year, I have handed out snippets of information on our back story because there are always questions when people first get to know you. Especially people that are interacting with us on a regular basis. Right up front I try to nip them in the bud with 'my husband being deceased,' so they aren't wondering how come Zack's father isn't around.
When Zack played basketball in the fall and winter last year, and soccer in the spring, I didn't share our story with those coaches. He wasn't that committed.
But these football coaches should know......as I see them having an impact on my son.
I guess it's time for another conversation.
There is one constant in life and that is Change. Just when we think we have something figured out, it shifts and changes.
Life is always evolving and we have to evolve with it, or get swept away with the tide.
There are times when I feel like all I'm doing is trying to balance on a surf board as wave after wave of change hits me. It can be a exhausting, constantly trying to maintain balance on those waves.
My latest wave is what to do with Zack once school starts, to get picked up after school, so he is taken care of and I can work?
When we first moved to Tampa, I had signed him up for an after school program at our club. But it wasn't right for him at the time. He was coping with the move, dealing with the tough transition of a new school and grappling with the culture shock of the kids he wasn't used to.
So I decided on having a sitter pick him up every day from school and bring him home to chill.
Sitter after sitter moved through our lives over the last year. Each one leaving for different reasons, with a couple of them not being the right fit, and I let them go.
The last sitter quit the day before we left on vacation.
This was extremely frustrating, because if I knew I wouldn't have her for the rest of the summer, I would have signed Zack up for a couple of camps before school started.
Now I had to regroup after arriving home, and take him with me everywhere while I got things done. I even brought him to one of my meetings because I had no one to watch him.
I needed a new crop of sitters to call one! One high school girl we liked a lot just graduated and went off to college, and another high school girl went overseas for a month during summer. I was out of sitters.
After a week, luckily I found a high school boy to hang out with Zack for the last 3 weeks of summer.
But what happens when school starts?
I had reached out to so many people to find a part time sitter for school, preferably a college student who had classes in the morning, could pick up Zack from school and watch him until early evening.
But no one ever materialized. And I was trying to figure out the time complication of Zack having to be a football practice by 5:45pm 4 nights a week until September and then 3 nights a week until November.
Balance ~ Balance ~ Balance ~ What is the answer?
I kept playing out scenarios in my head, and asking for an answer.
Then it hit me. Zack was Now ready for an After School program.
A place he can engage with other kids, make some new friends, and a get help with his homework. Then I can pick him up before football practice, take him there, and limit any late day meetings until after football season.
It has been a year since we moved. He is happy to be living in Florida now, and he is very happy to be playing football. That is a positive change.
Now I just have to find the Right Program for him and pray that it is the right decision for him!
I am a Big football fan and my nickname for Jeff was "Sport Boy."
So when we had Zack ~ football was in his blood. Plus, he was brainwashed at an early age when Jeff hung a University of Miami mobile over his crib, and a signed Limited Edition Framed Lithograph of Dan Marino over his changing table.
I also watched football games every Sunday with the NFL Sunday Ticket, while Zack ran around with a small football, in the living room pretending he was one of the players on tv.
But when Zack was able to play tackle football in 1st grade I was hesitant. Growing up, Pop Warner tackle football in my town didn't start until 4th grade, and I had that age in my mind. 1st grade seemed too young to me.
I would have preferred to have waited a couple of years to have Zack play organized football, but Jeff wanted to present the option to Zack and see what he wanted. He was gung ho from the beginning, even after we thoroughly explained the time commitment.
As practice began Zack was so excited to be out there practicing and playing with the other boys, and he had such an aptitude for the game that they made him backup quarterback in 1st grade.
Looking back, even though that was a very tough time for me, juggling Zack's practices, games and Jeff's sickness ~ the time that they were able to spend, sharing that football connection was priceless.
Jeff made it to every practice and every game, and was so proud to see Zack play.
For the last 2 years Zack and I took a break from football. Playing in 2nd grade, months after Jeff passed away was too hard, and last year before 3rd grade started, we moved down to Tampa.
Zack has been hounding me to play this year and I felt it was time.
As I sit out at a 2.5 hour practice, watching him work on conditioning, running, throwing and handing off, tears fill my eyes.
Zack is in his Glory! After the first practice, his coaches saw the same qualities in him as his previous coach and started him at quarterback. This time he will be the starter!!
He is ecstatic, and Jeff is probably grinning from ear to ear as he watches from above.
Meanwhile, I feel the void of doing this alone and juggling this huge commitment. It wasn't supposed to be this way.
I have always had interesting things happen to me when I step away from the daily grind, and get out of town. This latest vacation was no different.
The time away provided an opportunity to open myself up to messages and allow a different perspective on life to seep through.
Zack and I went up north, back to visit family and friends. And it felt like we stepped back into our old lives, after being away for a year.
It felt a little surreal as we landed in Newark, rented a car and drove over to a friends house to stay overnight. The next day we drove from New Jersey to Connecticut and it ignited flashbacks to when I first met Jeff and I was driving back and forth to NJ, as I stayed at my Aunt and Uncle's house over the summer.
Arriving at their house, to stay over the 4th of July weekend was like coming home. I had spent so much time with them, at their house, over the years, even during my childhood.
The flashbacks came again, of all the summer weekends Jeff and I had shared around their pool, with family, grilling sausage and spending time.
My Aunt, Uncle, and I were reminiscing about Jeff, and how he had this joke with my Uncle Larry that he would say each time we sat down to eat lunch by the pool.
On Sunday, the day before the 4th, my two cousins arrived with their kids and significant others, to spend the day.
As we get ready for dinner, Gina and I are setting the table outside on the porch, overlooking the pool. She hands me the place settings and I go around the table putting each one at a chair.
I counted the people......and counted the place settings....twice, and it seemed like it was off. So I counted it again.
I counted 9 place settings and there were 10 people. So I asked Gina to bring me out one more.
"Ok," she responds, and goes back inside to grab another complete set.
I count again to make sure I was right, and then I put down the 10th place setting.
We then get busy, gathering everyone to the table, herding the kids out of the pool, getting them situated, loading the table with food, and handing out the drinks.
We all grab a chair, sit down, and begin getting the kids plates ready as Uncle Larry lays down the big platter of sausage and chicken in the middle of the table.
Just as he sits down, my cousin Cindy says, "who is sitting here?"
We all look over at the empty chair between her and Gina's husband.
It was set for one more guest, #11 ~ right across from Uncle Larry.
Everyone looked at each other, and I felt him immediately as I stared at the empty chair.
"I guess Jeff wanted us to know that he was here with us." I softly announced.
This past week it seemed like the world had gone crazy. I tried to block as much of the negative as I could and not get become paralyzed by all the stories. There is a tendency, like a bad accident, to want to stare at the disaster because you almost can't believe that it happened.
That is what happened to me when 9/11 hit. I didn't leave the house, shock paralyzed me. After reaching out to loved ones to make sure everyone was ok. I spent the whole day sitting on the couch, with a pit in my stomach, staring at the television, watching the events play out on the screeen.
Now, what I do watch is the outcry that comes from a tragedy. People are in shock, overcome with sadness, and aghast at the horror and they feel an overwhelming need to do something. And that is the Wake-Up Call, a deep desire swells up inside of us and we feel a need to Do Something!
In the case of Orlando, an outpouring of people stood in line to give blood, and immediately people started donating money to a GoFundMe account that was set up. As of Friday, I saw in the paper that the account was up to $5 million dollars.
Just as in the wake of the Boston Marathon bombing, an overwhelming amount of money was raised through OneFundBoston. I think the total was close to $80 million dollars.
While money is important and will help the victims and their families move forward from the tragedy, money is not the answer. It is the easiest thing to do ~ send in a donation and a thank you prayer that it wasn't anyone in my family.
More importantly, something needs to change!
The culture in the U.S. and across the globe needs to change. We have almost become desensitized to all shootings and the violence that plays out on our streets on a daily basis.
Since the shooting at an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut, the gun violence has only escalated. That event should have caused major legislature to change to make parents feel safer by taking guns away. Instead kids in the north are now doing lock down drills at school and fear is prevalent.
Whatever was done by our government to make a change was meaningless. More people have guns now than they ever did, based on their own fear, and many of those people haven't been trained properly on keeping those guns safe and secure in their house, causing numerous accidents leading to fatalities because of it.
I feel as if the movie Tomorrowland is playing out before our eyes. Negativity and Evil seem to broadcast far and wide and the signal is only getting stronger.
While I truly appreciated that outpouring of people this week, to oust the Judge who only gave that college student a light sentence, for the attack he committed on a female college student. What I saw instead was a loud demonstration of negativity again.
How can we as a culture Broadcast Hope, Love and Compassion instead of negativity?
Instead of fighting against ourselves over politics, guns, religion and the differences in people ~
How can we channel Hope instead?
I would love to put together a way to Raise the Consciousness of Hope and Brotherly Love by the same amounts of millions of dollars of money that was raised after the 6 different U.S. Terrorist attacks in the United States since 2015. Because while people come together during the tragedy and stand unified as a group, after a short time has passed, people fall back into old patterns and life returns to the way it was.
There is no sustainability of those emotions of compassion & coming together as a community.
My friend, Diane, a positive lifestyle expert, and I have been working on a Hope and Happiness Initiative for Corporations to bring tools of emotional and mental wellness to employees. Tools that become sustainable in their daily lives.
But after this past week and watching examples of negativity that seem to plague our country on a daily basis ~ I feel a need to develop a Hope and Love Outreach ~ which when embraced, brings Happiness and Joy.
Creating Positive Energy that can be harnessed and broadcast daily through large groups of people to counteract the negativity and fear that seems to permeate.
I would like to see a positive outcome from these tragedy's, not just have it become another statistic that will be added to our history, the next time this happens again.
On this special day for Father's I want to give a shout out to all the dads out there that are Family Focused, engaged, interested and supportive of their kids.
Having a strong Father in the home providing guidance and direction, love and encouragement becomes a role model for young boys. It also creates inner strength in girls, knowing her dad will always have her back.
On this Father's Day, I hope all dad's will enjoy a glorious day basing in their family's love. And may all dad's fall asleep at the end of the day knowing how important a role they play!
When you really stop and listen, God's directions come.
They kept me going in the darkness......and when I felt like I was drowning.
I kept pulling myself out of bed each morning, putting one foot in front of the other, taking deep breaths and living life one day at a time.
He showed me a future ~ way out in the distance.......that I had to make my way towards.
So many things to do and take care of along the way. I kept prodding forward. Closing down one chapter of my life and opening another.
Helping my son make the transition from all he knows and the dad he misses, to a new town, in a new state, with no friends. That was a process.
The transition was bumpy ~ but I landed.....and ran right at getting us settled ~ creating a new home, and working on building a future.
I felt the clock ticking!
With each step, each meeting, each piece I created......I was running a race against time.
But when is God's time?
I have been going non-stop for over 3 1/2 years.....when is there rest for the weary? When does the path open up and the burdens are lessened?
When does all the hard work, dedication and hardship get answered?
The vision in my head, the dream in my heart ~ all placed there by God ~ what he doesn't share with me is timing.
Hope can start to falter, Faith can grow dim, and Confidence begins to waver. Wondering whether the vision will ever become reality?
God places people along our path who are interested and excited and they ignite our passion and our fire ~ and keep us going.
Step by step, day by day until Finally He opens the door and allows me to walk through!
I knew today would be difficult for me, as it is my wedding Anniversary. So to get through it ~ a few weeks ago I booked a massage and a facial, and planned on easing through the day.
Then I get up this morning, check my e-mail messages and click over to Facebook as I have notifications there, and this pops up in my Facebook memories:
A post from Jeff to me from 4 years ago ~ the year before he got sick saying ~
"Happy 9th year of marriage in this lifetime! My love and admiration for you is stronger each day. I love you."
And I am hit with sadness and longing to hear him say those words to me ~ to wrap me up into his arms in a big warm embrace, allowing me to feel as if everything is right in the world ~ for just those fleeting minutes.
But I won't, ever again ~ see his smile or hear his laugh.
Although this past weekend I could just hear him talking to me, after Zack and I visited his grandparents in St. Augustine.
There was definitely a void without him, during that visit, but his spirit was present.
Maybe Jeff did send me that Facebook Memory to my phone today to let me know that while I will be thinking of him on our Anniversary, he's thinking about me too.
